The · Many · Masks · I · Wear
An Introspective Experience
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I'm sorry. To those of you who have missed me, I know I've been gone a long time. I've missed you too. Don't assume my absence means that I don't care about you, or that I don't love you. Nothing could be further from the truth. I've tried writing this post so many times in the last week, but I've always thrown it away at the last second. It never seems right. So I'll explain it as simply and succinctly as I can, and hope that it makes some sense. I'm losing it. Completely, and when I'm not going through shit on autopilot, I spend every other second brooding. My personality has bas become more polarised than ever before. Currently, there are only two distinct ones, and they are very distinct from each other. Male and Female. They're two extremes, and any attempt to make a cohesive whole out of the two fails miserably. My female side just wants to be with my loved ones, feeling safe and cared for and protected. To make more friends, to give everything she has to everyone she can. My male side... is getting dangerous. His thoughts are increasingly dark and violent. I doubt there's anything he isn't capable of. Where my female side hates the sight of suffering, my male side delights in it, and takes great pleasure in inflicting suffering on others, which is largely why I'm avoiding everyone. I can't fuse the two together, anymore. I used to be able to make a semi-normal, neutral personality from the two, but now their desires, their wants, are in direct conflict with each other on a regular basis. I don't know what to do, anymore. I feel like I need to... erase one of them. I know I can do it. I've had to do it before. But it's like burying a part of myself alive. Eventually it will dig its way to the surface again, and be even more pissed when it does. I'm sorry I haven't been around. I miss you and love you all. I just don't want to risk hurting anyone right now. |
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I want to die. I lack the strength or courage to kill myself. I need someone else to do it for me. Someone please kill me. |
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I can't sleep. I keep having nightmares. It's hot and humid and horrible. I'm feeling depressed and miserable and lonely, and I just broke down into tears for no real reason that I can fathom except that I just feel sad and need to cry. I need to go to work in two hours and I haven't gotten a wink of sleep. I'm going to try sleeping again now. I wish I had someone here to hold me while I sleep, or someone I could hold...
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miserable | |||||||
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This is just something weird that I thought I'd do. If anyone else reads this, and wants to take it for themselves to use in their LJ or something like that, please feel free to. I'm basically just stating first, how I want to look, and how I percieve myself, mentally and spiritually, and then stating what I've got instead. Ideal Gender: Female Current Gender: Male Ideal Height: 5'2" Current Height: 6'0" Ideal Weight: 123lbs Current Weight: 132lbs Ideal Body Shape: Feminine, curvy, not too skinny, but not overweight either. Current Body Shape: Skinny, underweight, with a bit of a belly. It's ugly. Ideal Cup Size: A or B. Nice and small, but still there. Current Cup Size: None. Ideal Hair Length: Down to my buttocks. Current Hair Length: Mid-back. I'm getting there. Ideal Hair Colour: Strawberry blonde. Current Hair Colour: Dirty blond/Light brown. Ideal Eye Colour: Blue Current Eye Colour: Blue! Ideal Body Hair: None. I hate body hair. The only place I want hair is on my head. Current Body Hair: Way too much. It's everywhere, and it won't go away. Other features I want: Silver or white feathered wings. And a cute little bubble butt. I know that sounds silly, but whenever I see another girl with a cute little butt like this, not too big, not too small, nice and round and smooth and firm, I get sooo jealous. It's kind of weird. ^_^;
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bouncy | |||||||
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It sucks. :(
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Fuck the world. It can burn. The person I loved most in the world, the woman who I thought I was going to marry, the bitch who made me put faith in humanity, just dumped me. Flat out fucking dumped me. Out of nowhere. Apparently, she's discovered she's a lesbian, and she's had a girlfriend for a week now, and she still loves me but she doesn't feel like she's meant to be with me. Well you know what? Fuck that. Fuck that shit. Fuck her. Fuck god, and fuck the whole damn world. I'm sick of this. Everytime I care about someone, or something, I eventually lose it. It's like fate waits until I'm at my most content, my most happy, when I've got all this hope and joy inside me, and then it rips it all away, laughs at me, and spits in my fucking face. Well enough is enough. I'm not going to be fate's bitch anymore. If I want something, I'll take it. I'm out for myself now, and everyone can either come along for the ride quietly, get the hell out of my way, or burn in the face of my wrath. I'm not going to be the bitch anymore. I'm not going to let myself be fucked over by love, or desire, or hope, or any of that other crap. Not ever again. I've lost lovers, I've lost a child, I've lost dreams, and I've lost loved ones. I'm not willing to lose anymore. I'll kill before I let what little I have left be taken away.
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I will kill the world. | |
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My dad had a heart attack last night. He's in the hospital right now. And I'm sitting here worried to death about him. He's only 45. The nurse who called me said he's going to be okay, but still. His family has a history. His mum died from a heart attack when she was only 63, and she lived a far healthier lifestyle than my dad does. I feel so fucking useless right now. Sitting at home and just hoping he'll be okay. My uncle should be here soon to give me a ride in to see him. |
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15 weeks since my last update... damn, that's a while. Well, I'm not going to say much about what's going on with me recently. For a while there, everything looked great. My future was fucking awesome. Then shit fucked up, opportunities were torn from my hands, and I was hit by all sorts of depression. But last night, I was at a party. Best friend had a housewarming party. Everyone getting drunk, and acting foolish, and smoking weed. And I tried weed for the first time. I got so stoned... and it was fucking awesome. Every emotion I felt was multiplied tenfold. When i was sad, I was a goddamn wreck, when I was happy, I was really happy, and when I got angry... well, one of my "friends" now knows everything I hate about him that I've held back from saying before, because I'm too nice. He also has a black eye. That stuff stays in your system a lot longer than alcohol too, by the looks of it. Still feel kinda stoned, though not in the same way. Mostly just calm. At the same time, I wouldn't recommend the stuff. I did a lot of things last night, which I kind of regret... but at the same time, I'm glad I did them.
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I cannot sleep. At all. I've been awake now for over fifty hours, and I just can't sleep. It's ridiculous. I haven't had this much trouble sleeping since I was in highschool. I'm starting to have auditory hallucinations, and it's freaking me out. :/ I need to sleep, damnit! Ugh... Maybe I'll bang my head against a wall until I pass out. That always works... Update: Managed to get some sleep a few hours after making this post. Not as much as I'd like, but atleast I'm not hearing things anymore...
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tired | |||||||
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Kitty be hyper and spazzy and... and... and SPLAERH! Kitty pounce and paw and hiss and meow and nip and lix and bounce! Specially bounce! Kitty liek be bouncin'! Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bounce... Kitty also be havings problems paying tension to fings. Gettin 'stracted eezy. Kitty are liek cheese. 'N milk. 'N pouncin tha other kitty and runnin away n then sneakin up an pouncin em again! Haha! Then mebbe kitty bounce summore. Some more. Summore. S'more. S'mo. S'mo is kitty's new werd for "Some more"! It be much short 'n easyer to say! Kitty needz s'mo milluk! MOAR MILLUK!!!!!!!11!!!!111!!!!11!!!111!!!!11 In unwelated news; I gots a c00t lil' butt'n nose an it got smacked by the door! Stoopid door. In concwusion: Kitty are be needing sleep because lack of sleep + hormones + endorphines 'n' stuff makes Kitty akt liek a total spaaazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..... S'fun tho. ^_^ ARGH! KITTY ARE FUCKINH HAET BIG BROTHER! DIE REALITY TV! FUCKIN DIE!
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I can't believe how long I've been using Internet Explorer and saying "Eh, I'll download Firefox eventually." Well, I've finally done it, and I'm glad I did. Firefox is just about superior to Internet Explorer in every way. I love it. I'm still getting used to the few differences between the too, but I love it. Also, in unrelated news, I have upgraded from 256/64k connection to a 8000/384k connection, which is a massive jump in speed, and all I have to say is "HELL YEAH!!" This is fucking awesome.
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awake | |||||||
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Well, I've been able to refrain from cutting for like... I think, forty-nine days, or so. Then tonight, I'm just idly toying with a razor blade, and out of nowhere I start cutting my forearm. That's fucked up. I wasn't even feeling depressed or anything. I feel fine, for the most part, for some reason I just started making shallow cuts and seeing how much blood I could get out of them. Weird. It made me hungry, too. It's been a long time since I tasted blood.
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confused | |
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Eh, I've decided I probably won't be updating this LJ anymore, or atleast far less often. All I really do is complain, bitch, angst and whine, and I can do that in private, so why bother airing my emotional instability in a public, online journal? I'll probably update if I have something important to say, but otherwise, I don't see the point.
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I just want to die right now. Feel worse than miserable. It'd be so much easier to just stop it all. Cut upon my wrist and let this fucking life bleed out. I'm not going to. I'm not strong enough. I'm scared of dying. Not scared of bleeding, though, so I'm just gonna see how far I can make myself go. |
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Well, I'm feeling bored, and depressed and stupid, so I've decided to try something that will either cheer me up, or make me feel worse. Guess I won't know which until I'm done. I'm going to make a list of things about me that I like, and things about me that I dislike. Of course, there will be nothing unbiased about this. However, I'm going to attempt to be as brutally honest as possible. Pros: Good listener, intelligent, well spoken, literate, empathetic, creative, good with animals. Cons: Arrogant, unnecessarily cruel, bad with people, unsociable, self-centered, cowardly, deceptive, aggressive and violent, angry, hateful, low self-esteem. I will update this list as I can think of more things to add.
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Feeling very lonely lately. I've been largely surpressed by the other dominant personalities, for the past few weeks. Namely, Fallen, Nightmare and Darkness. Because of this, I feel very disconnected from everything. Feels like I'm unloved. The other personalities of this body get attention. Me, the feminine part... feels like I'm rejected. No one wants to acknowledge me, and as such, I'm being rejected by the rest of the system. It hurts, and it's not fair. :( Am I somehow inferior? Am I less worthy of attention and affection and love? Am I a dirty, terrible thing, that needs to be ignored until it goes away? This is who I am. I'm an equally valid part of this collection of personalities that makes a whole person, god damnit! I'm not going to go away because you don't want me. I won't leave because I'm uncared for. I have just as much right to be here as Fallen and Darkness and all the rest. How can anyone love them and not love me too? I don't understand.
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I've been sort of avoiding people in general, lately. Not feeling particular social these days. Actually, I feel kind of distant, like I'm separated from everything. It's a strange feeling. It's like, I still care about the things going on around me, but at the same time it's like "Meh, it's none of my concern." So, yeah... I dunno. Feeling lonely, but not wanting to open up to anyone, either. I don't understand it.
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I did a meme thing that teh desikitteh did... here's what I got.
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I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want. Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything. |
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